Hoon, Hewitt and the Great Gordon Brown Plot of 2010

Morning chilblains.

This little plot, or non-plot as it appears to be dressed, seems to be taking a rather odd set of twists and turns. Watching some of Newsnight yesterday I found myself slightly confused at the media line that Hoon and Hewitt acted alone and on the deluded belief that others would rise up with them in some Spartacus moment. Well, I say surprised, Kevin McGuire was on, that utter Tuesday from the Mirror.

Even Nick Robinson this morning writes that the plot failed and 'the reason is increasingly clear'. Superb journalism I'm sure you'll agree, good to see that he has really looked into it.

What baffles me is this belief that Hoon and Hewitt, or Hoowitt (Hoowoo) as I like to call them, acted like the fucking Lone Ranger and Tonto, bravely riding into the village only to find that no one wanted their help. Why? Why would two completely failed has been ministers suddenly, literally out of nowhere, jump up and demand a leadership contest? During PMQs of all times.

They wouldn't. Hoowitt was chosen because they are...failed has been ministers. They have nothing whatsoever to lose, their career is now a case of hanging on for dear life as backbench MPs, they are the classic cannon fodder. And just like every other piece of fodder that has stuck their head over the top, they got shot in the face and their mates walked away.

To carry that analogy on, in the First World War Officers were not in the habit of simply deciding that they would jump over the top and rush the enemy lines in pairs without any orders. It just doesn't happen. People throw themselves on the sword because they've had a chat about first and they know why they are doing it. Imagine the face of the first bloke to stick the knife into Caesar only to find all the others had pissed off.

No, this was a pre-planned, thought about attack. Other MPs are involved but have kept quiet, probably to keep the rebel cause alive for another day on some frozen moon.

What this demonstrates though is that the leading rebels knew full well what was happening and did nothing. And that sums up this wet blanket party.

John Major faced a series of these rebellions that in the end ruined the Tory party for the best part of a decade. But what did he, largely, do? He turned round (granted, he was in a far weaker position than wor Gordy) and said 'Come on then, let's be having ya', and people like Redwood stepped up and had a pop.

Brown hasn't got the balls to do it. He's now reached a stage, so close to an election, where he simply cannot afford to risk total meltdown. But he should have done this last year, and the year before that. He didn't and he won't, because he is a weak, scared, pathetic leader that governs in a tight knit circle of the chosen few from his bunker.

And so the whispers grow, the rebellion out on the front builds. But like any Roman Legion that rebelled they need a General to stand up and be proclaimed Imperator. The backbenchers can moan and groan all they like, and they always will, but they need the more powerful of their number to stand up and be counted when they finally break ranks.

That is what the Cabinet minsters involved have so clearly failed to do. They bottled it in spectacular fashion, just like they have done every step of the way.

So who are they? Well the names speak volumes: Harriet Harman, David Miliband, Bob Ainsworth, Jack Straw, Jim Murphy and Douglas Alexander.

Has a shitter line up ever been assembled?

Harman is loved by the rank and file, because the rank and file are militant cocks that love her lefty brand of 1980s 'equality'.

Ainsworth is a jobsworth that is worth nothing at all to anyone. An abject failure at Defence he even managed to make Joanna fucking Lumley a martyr.

Murphy and Alexander...um, yeah. Heavyweight stuff there.

The stand out failure to stand up here though is not Miliband, it's Straw. For a long time we both thought that after Blair Straw would be the one to actually step up and complicate matters for Brown, but he didn't. He bottled it. His time has now passed and he isn't going anywhere except the backbenches after the mauling the Labour party will soon receive.

But he is the 'Justice Secretary' and a senior, long term holder of big time posts. He was the one person that could have stood up and held serious weight, but without any harm to his career; uber-fodder if you will. His career is over before the summer anyway, it's over if he rises up now. No difference. If you want to check the King, you need to position your pieces and attack and that involves sacrificing a few of the important ones. Hoowit are the pawns and have thrown themselves into the firing line, they wanted the Rook to pin the King down.

However there is a pawn that is waiting for the end game to become a Queen, there is only one person there appears to be a genuine leadership contender against Brown. Miliband. That utter prick and non-entity.

Milie, like his sopping wet brother, is a turd. He is the kid at school who had the shit beaten out of him by everyone simply for being there. He is immensely unlikeable and greased to the max, with an air of arrogance that let's you believe that he himself believes that he is the Next Big Thing.

The whole Tory Jewish EU tarring he attempted has somehow managed to not destroy his career, but it did manage to draw people's attention to the simpering little shit and his simpering little shitty approach to life.

He's a weasel. Simple as that. And I can see his plan a mile off.

Brown has been unsettled to the point of destruction. His own failure to hold a contest and flex his muscle is his undoing within his own party, his failure to run the country above the level of cretin is his failure in politics. He will lose the election bar a depressing decision by the brain dead masses to 'elp 'im aht.

He's finished.

Miliband in no way wants the current chalice. To say it's poisoned is to understate the deadliness of its contents. The best thing to do is to let the beast die. Let the Captain go down with his ship. Then Brown will almost certainly do the only thing he has left - resign. He'll lead while the preparations for his funeral are made and then the leadership contest will take place.

And in rides Simpering Turd Number One. Miliband. 'Young', 'Fresh'. Yes, the man to take the party forward and regain the Crown. All glory and gravy.

The thing that can stop him is the Cameron effect. That is, an unknown suddenly arrives and blows all the others out of the water. This is dangerous of course as Hague and then IDS found out. Another thing that can stop him is Harman, which would be the Michael Howard approach and would destroy the Labour party.

What Miliband is not is Portillo. He keeps his mouth shut, he licks arse (quiet at the back), he scuffles and sounds loud but with little content. Most of all he doesn't change himself for the party. He hasn't really done a Hesaltine or Portillio and been all to obvious and public, nearly but not quite. His clear ambition could be what goes against him of course, without either Harman or a newbie doing anything at all, but come the Summer Labour will be desperate and hurt.

But they will fail. The reason they will fail is because their leaders are all cowards and the rebels may well not forget what has been done to them. If they choose Milie then they will choose a talentless wank stain that will flounder horrifically, or maybe even Hague it and go hard into territory he doesn't like simply to pacify the party.

But most of Labour have shown themselves, for 13 years nearly, to be devoid of bollocks. They have no spine, they have no spirit, no gumption. They will do what they are told by the Dear Leader and play nasty politics behind closed doors.

They are cowards to a man.