Readers of ours will be aware that we like making predictions. Usually on politics, but also other stuff. It appeals to our keen sense of perception of what is around us. It also appeals to me, because I am a betting man. So predicting stuff is sort of instinctive. I'm not amazing at it, but it's fun, so it makes me happy.
There's another bloke out there who likes making predictions. This bloke makes money out of it. He also happens to be the world's shittest person at making predictions, on account of the fact they are almost always wrong and based on fatuous logic and daft assumptions.
His name is Mark Lawrenson, AKA 'Lawro' and he works for the BBC making predictions on the outcome to Premiership football matches. He's scouse, which adds to the annoyance factor, and he used to play for Liverpool. This means that every week, he has Liverpool to beat whoever they happen to be playing two goals to nil. Which almost never happens. In fact, Liverpool winning almost never happens.
He's a grade 'A' useless tit.
But let us swerve over to the world of politics for a moment. For it is in this arena where we seem to have ourselves a bit of an 'Ace' Rothstein in former Defence secretary John Hutton.
To refresh memories and inform the uninformed, 'Ace' Rothstein is a character played by De Niro in the film 'Casino'. 'Ace' was employed by the mafia to run a top Vegas casino, and he fell into favour with the mob on account of his uncanny and amazing ability to predict sporting events and thus win gangsters lots of money by revealing to them his sharp betting tips.
According to the Telegraph piece (see that darker blue font, back there? That's a link to a story in a newspaper. Clever, eh?) John Hutton predicted as far back as 2007 that "he will be a fucking disaster as prime minister".
'He' being none other than Gordon Brown, the PM.
Now, I'm not being cosy with Labour here, or some soppy wet fart, but that's pretty damn good going as far as predictions go. Seeing as the media and the dopey public were firmly wedged up Impresario Magician Prudent Brown Legend Extraordinaire's arse-crack when he took power after Anthony Blair stepped down.
It's easy to say in hindsight, but no-one would have known back then that Brown would prove to be quite such a staggering fuck up of a piss poor excuse for a national Leader.
But Hutton then went and totally un-redeemed himself. Quite incredibly, after his prediction came to fruition, he retracted his words.
According to the piece: 'Asked if he still believed Mr Brown was a "disaster," Mr Hutton said he had changed his view.
He said: "My opinion has changed. I personally have no criticisms of Gordon's performance as Prime Minister at all."'
What a tool. Retracting this prediction, is like being in the crowd at Aintree for the 2005 Grand National, and watching Hedgehunter pull away from the pack, and as he is about to cross the post, tearing up the winning betting slip whilst proclaiming 'that donkey has fucked it, I knew it'.
"Hey, John, even Lawro had money on me, you stupid cunt!"What do you mean, 'no criticisms'? Are you mad? Why are you supporting this cock? You're standing down at the election, so is there even a glimmer of hope in us seeing something in the way of balls from you, you insipid, useless joker?
I'm assuming Hutton is holding out for something for himself here, because he cannot seriously go home in the evening and say to his missus 'Oh yeah, I was well harsh about Brown back in '07. The man has clearly come into his own. He's a true success story. A balanced, strong thinker and a leader. Even Mandy backs him...'
So, Hutton did an 'Ace' Rothstein in 2007, and then rapidly turned into a Lawro after the event had taken place.
I guess retracting a winning prediction is possibly to trump even Lawro's mind-boggling, infuriating and astonishing lack of ability in his field. It has finally happened. There you go, Mark. Someone even more ridiculous than you in the art of predictions. I found him.
Now off you pop to write up your weekend predictions. I predict that you predict Liverpool beating Wolves 2-0 at Anfield this Saturday. Go on, prove me wrong. Bet you don't.
3 comments:
I reckon Lawro is going to go 2-1 to Liverpool :)
2-1 you say?
Why, because even he might wake up to the fact that his stupid stuck record keeps playing the wrong tune?
Well, it's either or.
What he won't do, is predict a draw (which is what I reckon it'll be) or a Wolves win (which is entirely plausible).
I look forward to being proved right...yet again.
Fair play, the useless cunt did end up with 2-0!!!
>> Why, because even he might wake up >> to the fact that his stupid stuck >> record keeps playing the wrong
>> tune?
My brain went mamary-perpendicular. I fucking blame Global Warming.
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