Fuck the Met Office and Merry Fucking Christmas

Let's get the pleasantries out the way, shall we?

Merry fucking Christmas. Yeah, that's right. I'm being nice. Savour it. Print this shit out and mount that fucker on your wall. It's probably a lot more interesting than most of your dull cards.

It's that time of year. Season of good will, yule tide log and happiness and smiles and Mistletoe and Cameltoe and wine and song and laughter and children crying. Lovely stuff.

I'm looking forward to it though. No, really, I love having a dozen people lay siege to my house and my drinks cabinet, it's brilliant. It's like peeling fivers from your wallet and letting them feel the breeze as you drive down the M1 with your window down. Be my guest. Here, while you're at it, take the shirt off my fucking back. I was baking here, anyway.

Cold snap? Yeah, just don't piss me off, then you'll feel a fucking sub degree cold snap alright. With my hand coming down on the back of your neck in a fucking chopping motion.

Y'Cunts.

Now on to my second comment of the piece. The Met Office.

I really, really have to get this off my chest...

Dear person who runs the Met Office,

Fuck you. All your site does is predict things one minute before they happen, or not at all. For the last four or five days, I've checked your site, and wading past the endless propaganda about 'climate change' (pass the the fucking bucket), all I see is a sea of 'green', or maybe a tad of 'orange', thus indicating that there's no bad weather of note in the North.

You're wrong. You were wrong on Monday, Tuesday, today and you're wrong going into tomorrow, you fucking losers. All week you've told me that there's no snow, and only a little ice to worry about. No. No, no and thrice, no. It is not -1 degrees, it is -7. There is no clear skies, there is thick cloud and heavy snow.

The road conditions are not OK, they are treacherous. How wrong can you get. I suggest you offer Mark Lawrenson a job, and ask him to do a 'Climate Change in Liveroool Special'. He'll predict 2 degrees to nil rises in temperature between now and the year 2089.

I am amazed at how arrogant your useless outfit is. Because for all your latent government arse-sucking about climate change, you can't predict the weather for shit, and your trendy little UK colour charts and gizmos ain't worth a hill of beans in a Camel Shit Factory.

Fuck off. Do something useful, like get some of your office monkeys to go outside with a thermometer and hold their hands out to see if it is actually snowing. Which it is.

My journeys to and from work have been shrouded in poor planning, because I was dumb enough to trust your cunty site.

More fool me.

Motherfuckers.

Yours Faithfully

John the Don.