The Queen's Speech 2009

Oh yes, tomorrow is the 'big' day when Gordy sets out his stall. Dave and Nicky are getting all worked up about it like two pathetic little boys arguing about the bigger boy being bigger, forgetting that they would do the same given the chance.

Brown has about 6 months left of the fine life, then he's out on his ear. He knows it, we know it and barring the moronic masses having yet another moronic moment and voting him back in, it shall come to pass. Therefore he has to go for it in this Speech. Major did a similar thing all those moons ago in '91, it's an opportunity that few would pass up.

So Dave and Dave Too can shut up.

What exactly is wee Gordy proposing to push through inside 70 days that will save his chops...

Housing budget to be trebled to £2.1bn. Um, Okay. Two years, 110,000 houses and powers to Local Authorities (oh the irony) to stick people in them based upon need and 'local connection'. That is, a bill designed to build more houses to help the building industry (which had a flush day on the FTSE yesterday due to decent profits, so a boat missed Gordon) and in turn a knock to the BNP by actively giving social housing to local people as opposed to immigrants.

This is the sort of thing he needs to put forward, but it's all a bit 'seen that, didn't do it'.

People under 25 unemployed for a year will be guaranteed the offer of a job or training. What a load of rubbish. If they don't take the job then they get their benefits blah blah blah. Had it all before, it's never strong enough. And how do you guarantee a job? Training is simple, you just chuck large buckets of taxpayers money to make people 'IT Innit', so they can write blogs usually.

In turn there is £150 million for high-tech and bio-science jobs. More utter crap that barely touches the sides and is there to make him look all modern and 21st century.

Health Interesting bunch this, mainly because I thought we already had them all. Silly me.

• Guarantee for a free health check for all over-40s - Isn't that called your GP and it's 'free' because you pay a vast amount of taxes? Is there a law I'm not aware of that means that over the age of 40 you have to pay for the GP?
• Guarantee that no-one will have to wait longer than 18 weeks between GP referral and hospital treatment - I'm pretty positive that is already the case in the NHS Charter.
• Cancer patients in England to get guarantee that they will get consultation within two weeks - Ditto.

Improving Schools and Safeguarding Children. Um, where to start? Each child will get a (sorry, a guaranteed) personal tutor for English at big school. Sorry, but who the fuck is paying for that? The we have 'Tighter monitoring of children educated at home', go state!

My favourite here though is an all new report card. Well fuck me sideways with a badger, that'll sort it all out in a jiffy I should think. Nice new report cards, lovely stuff.

Policing Crime and Private Security. Cracking down on private wheel clampers (something that I think I'm missing the point on maybe, simple solution is don't park on their fucking land in the first place), allowing (love that) people to have a say on CCTV, and, the best bit 'measures to protect women from violence'.

Yup, before all this women were in the shit when crime happened, fact. This has Harman all over it as far as I'm concerned.

Constitutional Renewal Bill. This is Big Daddy important chaps, so listen up. That includes you flapper. It starts off with some rubbish about peers, namely removing hereditary ones and rules to get rid of misconducting ones (if that isn't a word, it's mine).

Then, however, comes the big one. Restoring the right to protest in Parliament Square. That's quite a measure to counter the big brother state accusation, which still stands of course but it won't half help come election time. And as long as it gets done I don't care to be honest.

Energy Bill. Load of crap about carbon capture to get a load of green wankers on board. Probably won't happen.

Digital Infrastructure. Zzzzz. All over broadband by 2012....etc etc. Strange one this as it really isn't a priority,but is no doubt there to plump up the Speech.

Financial Service and Business. The big one about altering the role of the FSA, which warrants its own article really. Until it's fleshed out it's unclear what will be put in it, but this is the one that will be top of the pile to get through, a no brainer. I would expect a good bucket of shit to be dumped on bankers so that Gordy can get the Mail vote, no matter the consequences. Those include him losing the City vote.

The G has already lined up the Durex for a posh one over this little number.

Cluster Munitions. Zzzzz PtII. Has to be done for international agreements, however makes a mockery of Cook's pledge of a new foreign policy and arms trade circa 1997.

Flood and Water... More shite to flesh this out so that when everyone drowns this Winter Gordy can point to this and say 'Look we are doing something, their answer is to do nothing', as per usual.

Child Poverty Bill. Another big one that will get the hardcore vote onside, although I can a potential fall out purely because it won't go far enough for the likes of the Leninists. Nice to see that after 12 years of Labour and record child poverty and an even bigger equality gap then under Major, with 6 months left Gordon puts this baby on the table. Nice touch.

Bribery Bill. Hmm. Making new offences of who you can bribe. Silly me though bribery of foreign officials for business was already 'bribery', apparently not.

Equality Bill. Here it is ladies and gents, The Time Bomb. This is the one that will either get pushed into Guardian wet dream territory and literally kick off big time, or will be dumped for that reason a la ID cards. This is a fucking nightmare and Gordon may well be packing it in anticipation, because I don't envy him this at all. A Harman special to force public bodies to accept that gay black people have special qualities that Chinese gay people don't have.

The great irony of this one is that Harman appears to have convinced herself that she has answered the diversity issue that has split academia for decades. It won't work and can't work and the middle classes of Britain will make it very clear come May.

So there you go, a fair amount of utter tosh will be read out by Liz tomorrow from that rather dashing chair. And it's always good to see Black Rod, or Roddy Noir as like to call him. That name is one off Darth Vader.

Two or three are must haves for Brown come May/June and he has to get them through to show some form of change and to win certain key areas of the electorate. The problem is that some will piss off the other key areas. It's all a mess frankly and none of it is exactly inspiring, but in the debate afterward we will see a full blown campaign be launched.

I have to say though, if I was Labour, this would be lightweight. It's not forceful enough and there are no rabbits, out of hats or otherwise. There isn't much here that is going to get a front page screaming