Just...I mean what the...how many kids am I paying for?

I read this story in the (gulp) Metro yesterday, although it was also in its big bro the Mail. I obviously take a rather huge pinch of salt when reading things of this nature in tabloids like those and I have, for the first time ever, released a picture of the B&D salt provision that we have set up in a top secret location for these purposes.

I was pretty fucking shocked when I read this, let's just make that nice and clear.

We were spending a lot on pinches of salt, so we went to Macro. Sorted.

This 'lady' has popped out a really rather remarkable 13 little shits (14th on the way), sorry I mean kiddywids at almost the rate of one a year for the last dozen. She just loves 'em she says, can't stop 'avin' 'em she says. And she won't either until she gets twins.

After the bullshit of 'Jedward' and the total freak show that inbreeding has produced, I'm a amazed anyone wants twins at all.

That's fine though, her choice. But wait a second, it's fucking not is it.

Oh no indeedy, because this bastard is on £50,000 benefits a year to fund her unrestrained, 1920s Catholic, 'Ain't you 'eard of con-tra-cep-tion', breeding programme. Fuck me she's skewing the graying north statistics by herself.

Fifty large, fifty big ones. Yes, they have a 3-bed council house and the fella works building canal boats. And yes, they collect over four grand a month in benefits. And yes, she - pinch of salt alert - spent five grand on Christmas presents (which, let's work this out, means she spent over £400 on each of her 12 kids, the 13th being an adult and the 14th being avec oven. Maybe more salt.)

But it's all right folks, don't fret, they still go to fucking Butlins every year...

The best bit though is possibly this quote:

If people saw us living in a pigsty they would say that we were a scrounging, low-life family who begged from the state.

They would say I was a slapper for having so many children and that I couldn't even be bothered to keep the house looking nice

And that's so not true. Even when I'm straight I can't put my feet up. I've been known to take down curtains at midnight and wash them.

Well fuck me! This really needs to be read several times for it to really sink in. Maybe even read it in reverse, because it's the opening gambit that is the gem. The whole thing, in the main, reminds me of the Chris Rock sketch where he talks about black people, the bit where he slags people off for saying things like 'Shit, I look after my kids'. Yes, because that's what you meant to fucking do you moron.

Wow, shit look at that, she only washes the curtains, fuck me! She only keeps the fucking house tidy! Well, that seals the deal as far as I'm concerned, she can have as much as she likes, take my cash, go on, you have more benefits from tax in a year that I fucking earn let alone pay.

It takes at least 9-10 people on an average wage to pay enough tax per month to pay for her tribe. Ten people a month are paying tax, not for their health care, not for the boys getting shot at, not to bail out banks, not to fix roads...to pay for her desire to have children.

That opening bit, I feel a break down coming on. I gets me my decks, break that sheet down Boatang:

IF, IF they lived in a pigsty, then and only then would people think: 1) they were scrounging, 2) they were low life, 3) they begged from the state, and 4) she was a slapper. Let Brother Boatang split the shit: 1) they clearly are fucking scrounging, they take 4k a month off the state, 2) that really is pretty fucking low isn't it, 3) they quite obviously beg from the state, they have filled a form in saying 'can have some money please for my breeding experiment', 4) slapper may be harsh and I presume they all have the same Dad, but that is dependant on the position of her legs, not the fucking cleaning.

It's all right on the night though, because she , newsflash just in, washes the fucking curtains!

And here, straight from the woman's mouth, are the names of these kids and why. You can call your children what you want, but after the first one you really have to start asking some serious questions:

Stephen – after his doting dad, Stephen
Malachai – after a character in the horror film, Children of the Corn
Peppermint – after Sara started craving mints during her fourth pregnancy
Echo – after a group of eco-campaigners who Stephen met during a job at work
Eli – another character in the 1984 film Children of the Corn
Rogue – a character in the film X-Men
Frodo – hobbit in Lord of the Rings
Morpheus – a character in film, The Matrix, staring Keanu Reeves
Artemis – book character, Artemis Fowl, an obnoxious teenage criminal
Blackbird – named after a gathering of blackbirds which flew onto Sara's lawn
Baudelaire – named after the Baudelaire orphans which featured in Lemony Snicket's film A Series of Unfortunate Events
Voorhees – named after serial killer, Jason Voorhees in the horror movie, Friday The 13th

Jesus fucking H Christ on a souped up bike with go faster fucking stripes. What. The. Fuck. We have here ladies and gents a sci-fi , horror film obsessed hippy. Her naming conventions appear to be: any name from 'Children of the Corn', the native American custom of naming the sprog after some random event, someone who has slaughtered people, a character in a utterly shite film.

The only reason this woman has this experiment to see how many kids you need to pop out before you get twins and/or what happens to children when you give them absurd names that happen to also be serial-killers in shit films, is because the state will give her shed loads of cash to keep it going. Why? Why the fuck should I be paying these two hippy sex maniacs with a serious issue concerning horror films and 'eco-warriors' to have children?

They can't even use the argument that they pay the tax and therefore claim back the tax breaks they are due to even it out. They are using the entire income tax payments of ten people a month!

I'm not saying they are having a fabulous time, or it's easy. I knew a family that had 12 kids and it was far from easy, but the Dad had a good job with good money and the wife worked when she could and they had a nice house tht they owned. That is, they could afford it and made a lifestyle choice on that basis. Fine, good luck to them.

This lot though can't afford it and expect all of us to help them out. The irony is we can't afford it either.