The Guardian: Labour's Last Mate Standing

New Labour in 2009 is like Toby Young in 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People'. An unpopular piece of shit. And like all anti-social morons, Gordon Brown and his grubby party has been abandoned by even the most patient of formerly loyal Saints.

The BBC has been successfully wooed by the left wing Conservative Party under the left wing Cameron. The Independent has given up their usual ridiculous demonisation programmes against that party and editorially shrugs its shoulders and accepts the inevitable.

Of the tabloids, only the unread 'Mirror' fails to back Cameron. The so-called 'Great and the Good' and modern cultural figures who appear on TV every now and then have good words to say about Cameron. Hell, even 'Mumsnet' is sucking his dick.

Cameron has sucked up the centre-left like a Dyson sucks breadcrumbs or a hooker sucks schlong.

But Labour has one mate left. One sad loyal cunt, who despite its best pal's unpopularity, refuses to catch the cab home to down a glass of Evian with the Alka-selzter and settle in for a long, alcohol induced period of hibernation.

The Guardian, as exemplified in this utterly absurd Sunday online front page here, seems to believe that Labour are electorally out of the soup thanks to some bullshit survey based on the telephone-call gathered information from a pool of a thousand people in the entire country.

Sorry, I'll adjust that. The Guardian probably doesn't believe this, but wants you mug twats at home to believe it, or at least enough of you to consider Labour as a viable option that inspires some degree of faith and integrity. In other words, it's all hands to the Millbank pump down there in Farringdon, and we're all supposed to lap up the bullshit.

The best bit about this daft article is the headline: "Poll boost for PM as confidence in economy grows"

There are three areas of utterly mind boggling bollocks that must be exposed here.

First: There is no amount of economy growing (and I don't believe for a moment the economy actually is growing or will grow any time soon) that can forestall the blatantly obvious truth of what faces this country - years and years of serious, crippling, high tax inducing debt. So much debt, in fact, that it is highly likely that we will default and go to the IMF.

Because Labour are using a very odd form of super-Keynesian economics in a time of near bankruptcy and surprise surprise, it ain't working. So, er, fuck 'green shoots'. We're fucked, and there are enough voters out there to realise this and know who not to vote for next time.

Second: To focus on bollock number two, I have to quote Sir Robert Worcester (the founder of MORI, the company that did the survey) as set out in the Guardian piece.

"This poll will jolt the electorate into the reality of British politics in the run-up to the election. Whether or not there has been a blip among the electorate caused by short-term events such as Labour's surprise win in Glasgow North East, it will not be easy for the Tories to gain the 117 seats they need for an overall majority, never mind the 140 they require for a working majority."

This is serious, serious bullshit territory. How bad can this man get it wrong? He is like the man who recently scored the joint lowest on Mastermind. Except take away the 7 points and put him in a room with Mark Lawrenson. He is the epitome of wrong. He is the political equivalent to a Dirty Sanchez imposed upon a very polite Geisha Girl. Just fucking wrong, wrong, wrong.

The poll will jolt precisely fucking no-one. You want to know why it won't jolt anyone, apart from Alan Rusbridger's cock? Because it is just a fucking poll, and political polls come out every five and a half seconds. In ten minutes time, I could log on, click through Google news for a bit and find a poll by some other outfit on the rise and fall of political trends. By Christmas, there'll be a compendium of fucking surveys and polls to wank over.

So just shut the fuck up about the daft fucking poll which shows the gap between the Tories and Labour narrowing for a little bit, OK?

Also, the suggestion that the Glasgow North East election has had any kind of mind altering, inspirational affect on the would-be Labour Party lovin' finger lickin' public is beyond fatuous. The fact is, Glasgow North East was not a fucking surprise. Whoever said that lied. Because that seat is arguably Labour's safest in the Kingdom. They were always going to win, they were the sitting party there and have been for nearly 8 fucking decades. It's a bit like saying 'John Demetriou isn't homeless and he has not been declared bankrupt...I therefore suspect he has secretly won the lottery and sleeps every other night in Hugh Hefner's Mansion. Obviously'.

And will it be easy for the Tories to turn Labour over? Well, there's a quick way of answering that: yes, it will be. Labour are fucked. They have alienated every last fucker out there. Their core vote has either disappeared or gone to sleep, the Unions hate them, the anti war reds despise them: they are finished. The Tories are cracking at getting out the oldies on Election day, and I can't see any other result than a Tory win, with or without hoards of fresh voters, of which believe it or not, there is an abundance.

But the icing on the Guardian cake really has to be summed up by this gem:

Thirdly: An unemployment quote from the piece.

"The most recent unemployment figures, which showed the smallest rise since spring 2008, also provide grounds for optimism. The number of Britons out of work rose by 30,000 less than expected to 2.46 million in the three months to September, the lowest increase since May last year."

So, unemployment doesn't go up as much as thought before, and therefore it's time to break open the Champagne and celebrate Labour's 11th hour salvation. Brilliant.

Except even this is nonsense. The fact is, and I realise this from what I have seen of the workplace lately, a lot of people are taking up very short term contracts and temp work in the run up to Christmas.

It is also the case that public sector bodies are raiding the 09/10 budgets, before the April window closes and money is cut off from departmental spends. In other words, there's a bit of hiring going on, but this will drastically shrink after next Spring.

After April next year, not only will it be clear that unemployment is killing this country, it will also be clear that the recession isn't ending, the pound is perilously vulnerable, particularly taking into account the teetering dollar, industry is failing, debt is mounting and receipts are falling.

There are no beneficiaries from all this, and I fail to see how made-up 'economy is growing' rubbish will at all convince even the most die-hard of Brown supporters. Please show me tangible proof that the economy is growing? Who is doing well right now? Apart from some of the usual people who do well, like some Supermarket chains and food retailers?

No, no, no, this won't do. The Guardian will really have to do better if they think they can help their wing man pull at this party. For the love of God, they have pulled the wool over the eyes of too many people for far too long as it is.