Who are the best bloggers in the entire world?

I'm sorry, but who writes hundreds if not thousands of words of original, first class content, every single day?

Who says it how it is, when they want to, how they want to, without pandering to any agenda or platform?

Who tells folks to go swing their dick into the nearest nail-riven fence if they don't like what they say?

Who gets the lo-down on the most topical, relevant and interesting happenings in world media?

Who tears strips off the establishment, whilst keeping one eye on the equally flawed anti-establishment?

Who digs up the best news, flares up the best campaigns? Who are the relentless mother fucks who just don't give a fuck?

Who rocks loins and stirs the love nests of ladies round the world, just at the mere hint of connecting fingers to keyboard?

Who are so God damned fucking cool, and so fucking insanely intelligent, that every time they publish an article, several billion people round the globe stop what they're doing and explode in a writhing, near-death inducing, Quaalude abusing spunk fest of Ecstasy?

That's right - B & fucking D.

We churn out our top quality shit, daily. We have readers from all over this country, and regulars from America, France, New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, Germany...hell, we even have random chaps from Pakistan (Islamabad), Tehran (Iran), Indonesia and Saudi Arabia pop in - though these guys usually find us via google, by typing in things like "35 years old cunt".

How is that civil war going in Pakistan, anyway? *waves!*

The fact is, our popularity keeps growing and growing. This isn't because we have connections, it isn't because we try to ride the coat tails of the latest Emperor's New Clothes, it isn't because we're technical masters. It's because we are legends. God's almost. No, fuck almost, we are Gods, end of.

We take an idea, sculpt it, tend to it gently, watch it grow very quickly and then plant it in the garden for all to sniff and pluck and wank over or what the fuck ever else it is people do when they log into the World's Best Blog.

We are respected, loved and utterly admired. Jesus and all the demi gods of all the religions in the world are all floating about, monumentally jealous at the incredible love and attention we are bequeathed from mankind. Every day. In fact, Jesus texted me the other day and asked me what my secret was. I said I'd call him back, I was washing my hair.

I lied too, and there's nothing he can do about it.

It's not even like we need to brief or de-brief about our shit. As libertarians, we just say it. Then a day later Mr B will log on, read it, and mail me about it. Or vice versa.

Our email conversations go something like this:

09:05am...

Mr B: Oi, c#nt, you in yet?

Mr D: Yeah I am c#nt, and f#cking what, you c#nt?

Mr B: I read your piece about the BBC. I liked it.

Mr D: Course you did you c#nt.

Mr B: What d'ya mean, you piece of sh#t?

Mr D: 'Cos I wrote it.

09:32am...

Mr B: C#nt.

This is an abridged version, of course, and will generally take place on a Monday morning when we're both grumpy and can't be fucked to talk too much. As the afternoon wears on, our discussions will morph into chunky stream of consciousness blurts which we then think about, go away and privately source for inspiration for the next piece.

Or, we think of shit, then research about it and write a piece on the blog. It's not rocket science to us, it probably would be to you - because we make the pants of the intelligentsia wet on a habitual basis. We dick on Fleet Street like Dirk Diggler would dick all over...I don't know, a fellow porn star actor with an infinitely smaller winky.

There's none of this 'Oh, won't it be jolly baity if today, I slammed the beeb! *scoff scoff* and you popped on tomorrow and did a little ditty about Gordon Brown!' 'Oh how quaint!'

In essence, I am a genius, Mr Boatang is a genius, we do our thing on here and then go away and do that thing called: "having a life".

Weirdly, Boaty & D dot com doesn't constitute the raison d'etre of either of our existences. It was never, and will never, be part of a cleverly devised vehicle to take us to fame, fortune and riches.

This is because we are so fucking amazing, we have no choice but to keep a firm lid on this blog otherwise the hoards of paparazzi and adulating fans would destroy our front doors. That would annoy the likes of Lady Boatang and Dame Demetriou, and we can't be having that.

While I'm vaguely on the subject of blogs, I thought I'd add this: Total Politics dot com have an online election out right now for the top politics blogs in the UK. You, the people, can vote. Though it did not pass our notice that this election was not announced particularly publicly to the blogging community, or the bloggers listed on Total Politics (including us).

It appears that the usual sycophantic, cliquey crowd got the early heads up, and Iain Dale's chum Guido may well end up getting shoed in at number one spot, like he does every year in this shambolic rotten borough blog contest.

So, to stop the rot, and return the majestic and mighty B&D to top flight blogging status at Total Politics, we urge you to do the right thing and follow the big link at the top right of this page.

and finally...

I thought I'd end this piece by appending some pictures that will give you an idea of who and what we are. Being Gods, our faces are like that of the actual God that Christians believe in - unseen and unexposed.

Think of these images and blend them into one - then marvel in the phenomenon, the magic, that is the gift to Planet Earth: Mr K. Boatang and Mr J. Demetriou.

I'aaaink yaaaow.

'Smoking ban? What fucking smoking ban?...'

'That Austin Allegro over there is giving me the fucking horn'

'Sorry old chap, was it something I said? He he he he he...'

Nuff said.