Here at Boatang and Demetriou we love our readers, we really do. At some point we want to organise the first annual B&D picnic, with games and maybe a small music festival. The numbers attending is an issue and we are in negotiations with Hyde Park, but we may have to settle for Wembley.
Because of the genuine love and overwhelming affection that is present on this blog, I feel it is my duty to offer some sound advice to you all on how to deal with the whole 30C heatwave we are going through. Too many good B&D men and women have died this week and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it continue.
The unions have asked for office workers to wear shorts in a bid to save lives and the aqua-liberals (copyright K.Boatang 2009) are still fannying about deciding whether it's hot because of global warming or not hot enough yet to 'prove' it.
Tip 1 Men, do not wear fucking shorts. If you wear shorts to the office you will look a cock, this is a known fact. It is also a known fact that women in offices can wear anything they like because they are all lovely and soft, men on the other hand must wear the minimum trouser/shirt combo at all times.
Tip 2 Do not wear a jumper. This may seem obvious, but it was only yesterday afternoon I saw a person wearing a chunky knit roll neck, close to death. This is a stupid move that I hope our intelligent readers would not succumb to, but it is tempting. Resist the temptation.
Tip 3 Do not wear scarves and gloves. I'm getting sick and tired of having to say this so it's the last time okay? June and July are not the months for scarves and gloves yes? Scarves and gloves November, t-shirts and flip-flops July. It's not hard. If you want to, fine, suit yourself, but when you are in hospital don't say you weren't warned.
Tip 4 Go to the pub. This is no time for being at work so sack it off and go to the pub. Think 'Ice Cold In Alex', they didn't fuck about did they? Get the fighting bit over and done with and hit the bar, nice cold one. If you can't get to the pub because it's full of yellow polo shirt wearing twonks called Jay or Alfie, then recreate the scene at home in these easy steps. In the garden simply place a picnic bench or similar product, fill a bowl with fag butts and piss on the lawn to get that authentic aroma. You may wish to make the cat/dog puke in the corner for a true experience and you can top off the day by having the missus pour you lager in exchange for huge amounts of cash.
Tip 5 You are indoors and it's getting hot. You can't work it out, the windows are open and you have taken your jumper off, the scarf is put away beyond temptation. You've been to the pub and had a nice cold pint and now you are at home you've whipped on the shorts. But it's really hot. You know what you've gone and done don't you? You've only gone and left the heating on! Go and turn it off and it will be fine. This is a surprisingly common mistake in July so don't feel ashamed, just learn from your mistake and move on.
It's that simple, follow these five easy words of wisdom and certain death will be avoided. The elderly will obviously continue to wear heavy knits and gloves with the heating on, but once over the age of 70 it's a known fact you only have the internal temperature of a fridge. Those of you who are in that category, and you are out there, I would suggest you give the t-shirt a go, see how it feels. You can always turn back to the safety of a wool/viscose blend.
Details of the first BDstocknic at Hyde Park will be announced soon, Blur are okay with us using their stage after they've finished with it this weekend so we're making progress and we have a verbal agreement from Rod Temperton to give a speech on the virtues of 21st century libertarianism in a liberal fascist world.
We are still in negotiations with Tony Benn over him featuring in our 'Pelt A Cunt' cage so we may have to settle for Zane Lowe.
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